Magnify No Other Name

Today marks a year since I found out my dad has cancer. 

I still remember every moment of the day I got the news. I was finishing up lunch at a pizza place with some friends after being at a women’s retreat with my church all weekend. My dad called, and I answered thinking he was just going to check in with us and see how things were going. But instead his news changed my life forever. 

He told me the doctors found out that the pains he was having behind his stomach were actually caused by cancerous tumors growing in his lymph nodes. And in those few seconds that it took him to say that, my world crumbled around me. My daddy, my hero, was sick and there was nothing I could do to help him. In the days that followed, I struggled to keep myself together. I couldn’t believe that this was happening to me and my family. And I questioned God time and time again. 

I didn’t know why He chose my family to go through this. I didn’t understand why my dad was the one to suffer. And I couldn’t stop thinking about my mom, my siblings, and how much we still need my dad.

For the first few weeks I mourned and tried to process everything. It was all unknown, scary and hard to understand. With every doctor’s appointment we were propelled along on our rollercoaster ride. After finding out that Dad had stage 4 Non-Hodgkins lymphoma, we were told that treatment would be easy. Then the doctors said he may have a super rare strand of that cancer, which only has a 30% survival rate. They later confirmed that it was indeed that strand of cancer. However, upon further inspection, his oncologist decided it wasn’t the rare strand they thought it was, but rather one that’s a little more common. And after going back and forth with figuring out what type of cancer he had for about a month, he finally started chemo. We went through 9 long months of hospital stays, treatments, CAT scans, PET scans, blood work and doctor’s visits. 

While some of the cancer responded to the chemo, there was some that proved to be chemo resistant. No matter what type of treatment he went through, those cancerous cells were not touched, and they continued to multiply. This summer he was cancer free everywhere (which is rare with lymphoma), except for that spot behind his stomach where we think it all started. So dad went in for surgery to have that tumor removed. Not only was it the size of a softball, but some blood vessels from his small intestine were surrounding the tumor, which meant they also had to remove a section of his intestine as well. 

Visiting him after his surgery was the hardest visit I ever had. He couldn’t talk, hadn’t eaten or drunk anything in days, and was in a lot of pain. I cried on the drive home, and begged God for healing. Dad recovered well, and was soon back at home and back to “normal”. But a scan a few weeks later showed that there were still chemo resistant cells in his lymph nodes, and we were back to square one. 

The doctor put him on maintenance chemo to try to keep the cancer in check while we started looking for new options. It was time to think outside the box, which meant applying for various trials around the country and praying he’d get accepted into them. In the past month, my parents have been traveling all over the US, meeting with different hospitals to get Dad on their waiting lists, praying that he is qualified to participate, and that the trials will work. And that’s where we are today. 

I feel like we’re back to the place we were at a year ago. I’m back to questioning God. Asking him WHY this is happening. Waiting for answers. Waiting for news. And seeing my dad in pain again. 

I won’t lie, these past 12 months have been the hardest months of my life. While good things have happened (like Isaac getting a job!), everything with my dad is still at the back of my mind. While this time of life has been so hard, it’s also made the time I’ve spent with my family so much sweeter. We cherish the little moments, the hugs goodbye, the laughs and the tears a little more than before. This has been eye-opening for us, realizing how short life is, and the fact that we need to make the most of every moment. 

I think the thing that has amazed me the most about this past year is my dad’s attitude through it all. Yes, there have been times where I know he’s been scared, confused and hurting. But even in those times, he has continually pointed to Christ. He has kept his hope in the Lord, and trusted not only in His timing and provision, but also in the reality of ultimate healing. Even if Dad doesn’t survive this cancer, we are able to rest assured knowing that his soul is safe with the Lord. 

I’ve been reading through Romans recently, and it’s amazing how much the Lord has used those chapters to convict, encourage and strengthen my faith. While I still have my times of doubt and questioning, I am reminded of the Lord’s sovereignty through it all. 

Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!
“For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor?”
“Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid?
For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen.
Romans 11:33-36